I’ve written about mental health in blog posts past. My last one being about 3 months ago. I had a rude awakening when my boss informed me that my attitude was becoming a problem. At the time I thought I was doing well and was perfectly happy. What I did not realize was that I was having trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and sleeping for at least 10 hours when I was sleeping. I would get upset at everything and lash out for no reason.
At the time, I was going through personal things with family members that I was trying to get distance from. They did not understand what giving me distance meant and continued to aggravate the situation longer than it needed to be. After sitting in that office and speaking with my chief (boss) I informed her of all the things that were going on and intended to begin seeing a therapist again along with finding a long-term solution instead of just short-term wins. I began seeing a therapist and was curious about whether or not I needed actual medication and if I had other things such as ADHD.
That day in conjunction with trying out for a police department sparked something in me. In this four year long process of healing, I actually do not know what I look like healthy. I do not actually know what I am capable of because I have always felt as though I am doing the best I can with both arms behind my back in a tub of molasses on a winter day. I decided then, with the help of a little extra pressure from applying for a police department, to be completely honest with myself in every way. I knew I was semi-happy where I was but in order to get where I wanted to be, I needed to actually do the work.
Like all high achievers, I decided to tackle my mental health, finances, romantic life, and physical health all at once. I took the road of complete honesty with myself no matter how uncomfortable it made me.
I spoke with a therapist who suggested EMDR. For all of those who have no idea what EMDR is, as I had no idea, it is Eye-Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing. Essentially, it helps process PTSD and C-PTSD. You can read more about it here https://www.emdr.com/what-is-emdr/. I then found a clinician and began seeing them. I began to understand what C-PTSD is versus normal PTSD and how my childhood shaped my depression, anxiety, why my relationships always failed, and all the other ways in which I moved in the world as an adult. I began spending hours and sometimes days listening to amazing YouTube channels about this such as Patrick Tehan LICSW https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCbWvYupGqq3aMJ6LsG4q-Yg and the Crappy Childhood Fairy https://www.youtube.com/c/CrappyChildhoodFairy.
I say all this because for 34 years I have dealt with things that were not my fault. There are no guides for people to parent their children. There are also people who shouldn’t be parents but are. There are also children who are thrown into bad situations that have to figure it out as they go and find ways to survive. However, these survival techniques as children often carry into adulthood in very unassuming ways.
I also met with a nutritionist and after an enormous amount of money on blood work and what seemed to be hundreds of blood tubes later, I found the root causes of my exhaustion. That wonderful gland called the Thyroid was off. I changed my eating habits overnight and found an old love of nutrition return along with a new love of cooking. I began a rigorous vitamin regimen every morning. I have more energy now that I have in the past three years, and it feels amazing.
While filling out the police department application, I faced the harsh reality of my finances. I’m not going to lie. That was stressful and uncomfortable. I sat with the emotions of it all though and realized what it truly was… shame. I felt shame because I had overlooked things financially and had been holding myself back. Shame for all the times I wanted to do something but blamed credit score companies for their evaluation of me. Shame for all the ways I spend money needlessly on things when I should be an adult about things. I then resorted to watching a video about shame and C-PTSD from the two channels mentioned earlier and realized that it is in fact, incredibly normal.
The funny thing that I have noticed is if an emotion is normal in a certain situation, I feel better about having the emotion.
Three months later I have found that I have more mental clarity than ever. While I was sick almost a week from the side effects of the medication I am on (doing better now). I feel as though I am learning about myself more and more every day. I did not get into the police department I was hoping for and the guy I had liked in an on again off again pseudo friendship situation ship, I finally ended it. While it may not mean anything to most people, I essentially lost or cut off all of my back up plans.
The crazy thing, it’s not scary at all. Had I not gone through everything the past three months though, would not have been able to handle it at all!!! And no back up plan means I have an infinite variety of things to choose from for my future. I’m going back to school to finally get my bachelor’s degree and chase after my dream. With no back up plan means I am no longer playing it safe because well, there is no back up.
I say all this (and if you’re still with me then you are a trooper) to say, chase your health! Chase your health in every way possible. You’ve made it so far in life with all the things that you have experienced. Just imagine what is possible when you realize that the darkest parts of you only needed recognition and love.
I will say, the beginning is the hardest. It’s never easy looking at all the things that have hurt us the most. My advice, begin with a therapist. Be picky about your therapist, like really, really picky. They are there to serve you, and if you have been seeing them for at least 2 months being open, honest, and willing to do the work, and nothing has happened, change therapists.
I’ve ironically never been one to journal, but journaling has helped immensely. The YouTube links provided earlier, Patrick Tehan gives excellent journaling prompts.
Tackle your physical health. We only have one body in this life and the vitality of our body determines the vitality of our life. Chase after health. Seek out wholistic nutritionists who can use natural remedies along with non-mainstream remedies to help heal you. Billy Carson, a hero of mine, speaks about taking colloidal silver and monoatomic gold. I have incorporated these into my daily routine or vitamin regimen, and they have worked wonders. Colloidal silver benefits can be seen in this blog https://www.honeycolony.com/article/amazing-benefits-of-silver I may write one in the future about it it’s so great but for now, this blog does it justice. For monoatomic gold information, this website is awesome. https://ormuselixir.com/monoatomic-gold-ormus/monoatomic-gold-effects-mind-body/ I have no affiliation with either. I did however just realize that I ordered the liquid version of Ormus on Amazon last night for the subscription. Follow up to come in later blogs. Billy Carson also sells these on his website https://www.4biddenknowledge.com/online-store. Those products I have used and they are amazing.
*consult with dietician, wholistic practitioner, or doctor before taking any of these supplements
For financial health. Make a spreadsheet for all the things you owe and create a monthly payoff. Something about seeing how fast you can really tackle things gives you a boost of confidence when doing hard things for the first time.
I know this all may sound a little out there, but the whole reason I create and write is to help people find the incredible value and worth that lies within themselves. I had hard time seeing it when I wasn’t my best and I have done the hard work of finding it. I just want to pass along the things that I have found in order to maybe help another on this path of self-discovery.
Chase after your joy and health harder than you will chase after anything else in this life. No matter how crazy it looks to anyone else because no one is going to do it for you. Joy and peace is an inside job.
Until next time (which will not be three months later) I wish for you peace, joy, and love.
Jen
Blog of random musings 